14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.