Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.