God made us pink and blue. He made us male and female.

Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female...
Matthew 19:4

She has pink sunglasses, hearing aids and megaphones.

He has blue sunglasses, hearing aids and megaphones.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He’s not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Genesis 1:27

Rather than seeing differences as a compliment, we begin to feel like it’s another complaint. Rather than grinning in the face of these differences, we’re griping.

There are going to be moments of tension and conflict, but God has designed that.

Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 NIV

He didn’t say love, love. He didn’t say respect, respect. He didn’t say respect, love. He said a husband must love and a wife must respect.

Hostility is the opposite of love.
Contempt is the opposite of respect.

We asked seven thousand people, “When you’re in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved in that moment or disrespected?”

83% of the men said they feel disrespected.
72% of the women said they feel unloved.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When a wife feels unloved she negatively reacts with disrespect towards her husband.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When a husband feels disrespected he negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving towards his wife.

Have you ever had a conflict with your spouse when suddenly the issue isn’t the issue?

There comes a moment during conflict when you see the spirit of your spouse deflate. You probably just stepped on his/her air hose.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities as they do.

Neither spouse gets up early in the morning thinking of ways to be unloving or disrespectful. That is never the intent.

The culture of intimacy has become pink; his love motivates her love and her love motivates his love.

The Word of God is saying something different. It’s saying that your spouse has a different need, especially during conflict.

The deeper purpose in meeting each other’s needs is to do so as to the Lord.

We do this because just beyond the shoulder of our spouse stands Jesus Christ. The Christ-follower looks at marriage totally different.

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A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Pink and blue differences matter because we have different vulnerabilities. If we don’t understand this we’re going to get confused and two people madly in love end up just mad.

God gives us different commands:
Only husbands are commanded to Agape LOVE.
Only wives are commanded to RESPECT
(with the Greek word phobeo).

God is saying you are different. You are as different as pink is from blue.

In this segment we’ll look at how the “Pink and Blue” principle applies to the three cycles:

When it comes to the Crazy Cycle, couples must learn how to DECODE differently. What do I mean by DECODE? 

Husbands, could your wife be reacting this way because she is saying: “I have a need that only you can meet. You’re the only man at this level of intimacy that can reassure me that you love me and I’m reacting this way because I expect you to decode that.” 

Men, in the diet book story DECODE: Is she trying to be disrespectful or is she seeking reassurance that you love her? 

You have to DECODE differently. She is a good-willed woman, but she’s not blue. 

Ladies, in the third marriage book story DECODE: Is your husband trying to be unloving? What will your son feel when your daughter-in-law gives him the third marriage book? 

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

According to Jesus, your husband is a loving man, but he isn’t as sentimental and sensitive as you are because God didn’t make him that way. 

Wives, could your husband be reacting this way because he is saying: “I have a need only you can meet and I need to be reassured that you respect me”? 

You have to DECODE differently. He is a good willed man, but he’s not pink. 

When a man’s heartbeat gets to 99 beats per minute he is in warrior mode. He has to calm himself down so he pulls back. In the marriage book example, he tries to do the honorable thing on the heels of feeling disrespected and he is labeled unloving. 

Stop judging one another. Start grinning rather than griping. 

How do we get on the Energizing Cycle? 

Remember: Your spouse is a good-willed person.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder without talking. 

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings. 

Ladies, why does the Word of God say that you can win your husband “without a word” (1 Peter 3:1,2)? 

He is energized as much by your presence without talking as you are after an hour of a good heart-to-heart talk between the two of you.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”? 

To get on the Energizing Cycle, couples must learn to influence each other differently. Give each other a gift by meeting a need in her/him that you may not have. Learn to influence your spouse in a way that is less natural for you.

To get on the Rewarded Cycle, husbands and wives must learn to obey differently. 

When you’re feeling unloved or disrespected, it will never feel natural to do the loving or respectful thing. That’s why the command comes, otherwise the command is a moot point.

Men, you’re not wrong, just different. But now the divine command comes down for you to be loving because you’re a man of honor. 

Ladies, you’re not wrong, just different. But now the divine command comes down for you to be respectful because you’re a woman of dignity. 

Why are you not loving/respectful? Because you are not obeying Jesus Christ. 

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21 NIV 

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Embracing Your Differences

We would likely all agree that men and women are different. But, understanding those differences and embracing them can make a big difference in your attitude toward your spouse, and ultimately your relationship.

1. List a few of the differences you appreciate about your spouse.
2. Share with your spouse the differences you see in him/her and how you appreciate those differences. The only rule for this part of the exercise is when hearing about what your spouse appreciates about you, you must simply respond by saying, “Thank You.” We want this to be a time when you hear what your spouse has to say without explaining, dismissing or downplaying the things he/she appreciates about you. 

Discussion and Takeaway

You must DECODE differently to get off the Crazy Cycle.

You must INFLUENCE differently to get on the Energizing Cycle.

You must OBEY differently to be rewarded by Jesus Christ. 

1. Armed with this knowledge and insight, how do you see yourself decoding your spouse’s language differently; influencing your relationship differently; obeying Christ differently? Share your thoughts with the group.
2. Optional question if time permits: If the way a person has approached a spouse hasn’t been working, why would they keep doing what hasn’t been working?
3. List 1-3 things you have learned in this session that you feel will make a positive difference in your relationship. 

Scripture

God’s Word is a powerful tool we have been given to guide, influence and change our perspective and ultimately our lives. We encourage you to take a few moments each day to meditate on the Key Scripture Verse given each week, allowing His Spirit to work in your heart.

And He answered and said, “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female...?”
Matthew 19:4

Prayer

Lord, I thank You that You have made us male and female. We are not wrong, just different. In fact, You’ve made us different to complete each other. When pink and blue are blended, they form purple, the color of royalty, the color of You. Together Lord, You have designed us as male and female to unite together to reflect Your image. In that sense, a husband is incomplete without his wife. A wife is incomplete without her husband. Thank You for Your creation! We praise You for Your holy blueprint. Therefore, help us to decode, influence, and obey differently to experience marriage as You intended. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

This Week 

Emerson to the Husbands: 

Pray and ask God to reveal to you at least one way you can give your wife some quality “face-to-face” time without any distractions. Perhaps you can arrange for a sitter and take her out to dinner. Or maybe arrange a little quiet time together after the kids have gone to bed. Whatever it is, make sure she knows you care about her and are listening to what she has to say. 

Sarah to the Wives: 

Pray and ask God to reveal to you at least one way you can spend some “shoulder-to-shoulder” time with your husband this week. Maybe that means playing a round of golf, watching him do a work project like repairing the faucet or washing the car, or sitting next to him watching Sports Center. Whatever it is, set aside some time just to be with him. Your shoulder-to shoulder presence without talking about “us” or the kids energizes him. 

Husbands and Wives: 

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you. 

Now, each of you write down what you feel God is prompting you to work on this week on one of the Weekly Challenge slips. This part of the assignment is not meant to be shared with your spouse, but is just between you and God. 

Digging Deeper 

Want to dig deeper into the principles Dr. Emerson presented in this week’s session? Read Chapter 2 in the book, Love and Respect.