Illumination Session 3

What's The Difference?

Post-Video Pontification

LET’S BEGIN...

Take three minutes in silence to reflect on your notes and think about what you just heard.
Lightbulb moments, anyone?
What questions were triggered for you?

Hopefully the awkward-silence sweats are subsiding by now, but, just in case, here are some specific questions for you:

After hearing my pops and I share a few of our thoughts on men and women, what do you think about the statement that we are equal but not the same?
What, if any, elements about this statement scare you?
What, if any, elements give you a sense of freedom?
What does it mean to you when Jesus asks, “Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female?”

But aren’t we striving to be like God? And God takes on characteristics in scripture that tend to be described in masculine or feminine ways. My dad will point out in session five how scripture calls us in marriage to together reflect the image of God. In scripture, we see both men and women imitating the virtues of both sexes. Paul tenderly cared for others as a nursing mother cares for her infant (1 Thessalonians 2:7). In 1 Corinthians 16:13–14, the whole church is commanded: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”⁷

So do you think God is trying to confuse us? Does He expect us to be unisex?
Should we focus on gender differences if we are all supposed to take on the godly characteristics of the opposite sex?
How are we to make sense of this?

*See Emerson’s Wise Words No. 6 at the bottom.

Research shows that many husbands stonewall and withdraw during marital conflict when they feel disrespected. This is a male pattern. This, of course, can appear uncaring and unloving to a wife. Research also shows that women tend to criticize and complain on the heels of feeling unloved. This, of course, can appear to the man like she is not only disrespectful but insecure.

“Because we're different, it doesn't mean that one is better and the other is worse.”

MEN: Have you ever felt misunderstood in times of conflict when you shut down and walked away? Explain.
‍WOMEN: Have you ever felt misunderstood in times of conflict when you kept the argument going in a desire to reach a resolution? Explain.
Have you seen this in your parents’ marriage or your friends’ relationships?
What is your typical response to conflict?
What is your default mode/response to feeling unloved or disrespected? Is it what Christ wants for your life?

SIDENOTE: As I have mentioned before, men and women don’t always respond the same way in every conflict. There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t identify with your gender’s typical conflict response. My grandmother stonewalled and withdrew, and when I don’t feel safe in a relationship, I do the same thing. This doesn’t mean I am a man. And men, if you connect and confront in conflict, it doesn’t make you a woman. It most likely makes you good with women! Still, it’s important to assess what is at the root of your responding the way you do.

My dad talks about how the differences between males and females don’t make one wrong and one right, just different. Sometimes our culture, communities, or selves assign value to one over the other, maybe without even realizing it.

Based on some of the differences described (shoulder-to-shoulder, walking away from conflict, etc.), how can you honor—or speak the mother tongue of—the men/women in your life?
Do you have any examples of times when you confronted someone (or someone confronted you) while still conveying that you believed in him or her? How did it play out?

My father challenges us not to pass judgment on someone who has a weakness in your area of natural strength. He gives the example of two smokers who are trying to quit. If one fails, the other generally gives grace because he or she understands the struggle. But if one is trying to quit and the other has never had a cigarette, there is generally less grace when the quitter quits quitting.

Ugh. I definitely do that to people who fail in my area of strength. Please tell me . . .

Am I alone in this?
How can we better recognize when we are doing this?
How can we change our posture toward people when we can’t relate to their struggle/weakness?

Ever heard your husband, boyfriend, sibling, or father say, “Drop it. Forget it. It’s no big deal. I don’t want to keep talking about it”?

How did you respond?

Ever heard your wife, girlfriend, or mom say, “We need to talk about this. We have issues and I’ve had enough. Let’s talk?” How did you respond?

Remember when I talked about how we label people to make sense of our pain? Here’s an example that I’m sure none of you have ever said:

“Why are all women crazy?”

“Why are all guys jerks?”

SO, IT’S TIME TO GET FO-REAL UP IN THIS PLACE.

What kind of damage are we causing when we make these kinds of statements (even if we don’t truly believe the label to apply to an entire gender, for example)?
How could this type of labeling impact the way we treat each other, approach dating, and interact in marriage?

Emerson's Wise Words

No. 6
We are made male and female with differing strengths and tendencies that are worthy of imitation. For this reason, gender differences are crucial to study in order to prize the opposite sex as designed by God. Every man should ask, “Though I am fully male, what are the unique tendencies and virtues in a woman that I should value and imitate, like Jesus and the Apostle Paul did?” Every woman should ask, “Though I am fully female, what are the features in a male that I as a woman should emulate, like Paul urges the Corinthians church to ’act strong like men’?” In other words, a strong male needs to think about how to be more nurturing, and a nurturing female needs to think about how to act strong. More on this in the “Not Wrong, Just Different” chapter of The Language of Love & Respect.

On Your Own

Let’s Do This

Take this journal with you every place you go: car wash, movie theater, and even that Tai Chi–in-the-park class you just signed up for and realized that you are the only one under the age of 73 who attends.

Keep your eyes open this week and write down the great things you notice about the males and females in your life—young and old. Also take time to write down the things you like about being a man or a woman.

Don’t worry, I’ve anticipated your concern about keeping your notes organized, so here are some prompts:

Why Women Are Great
Why Men Are Great
Why Unicorns Are Real
Why Joy Is Great

Points To Ponder

MISUNDERSTANDING OR MISTAKE?

Review any notes or thoughts you had from the group discussion on unloving stonewalling and disrespectful criticism. Now, think back to the last big fight you were a part of or witnessed.

When the other person responded in a way that didn’t jibe with you (hence the conflict), what did you interpret they were saying nonverbally through their behavior?

EXAMPLES:

I don’t care about you.
I don’t like you.
This isn’t worth my time, or you aren’t worth my time.
You are stupid.

How many relationships (yours included) do you know that are on the Crazy Cycle? How many of them do you believe are simply misunderstanding each other, but instead are concluding their marriage is a mistake? What do we do about this lie we are all believing?!

COMMUNICATION 101 AND YOUR BFFS

I told you the research story of the male best friends and female best friends and their different communication styles.

Think of a best friend and how you both communicate. What do you define as “good communication”?

If you’re married, have been in a relationship, or observed your parents’ relationship, how do you see people’s differing definitions of “good communication” having a positive and a negative impact?

POWER OF RESPECTFUL AND LOVING SPEECH? REALLY?

Do you really believe my dad when he says that we have the power to say anything we need to say as long as we speak in the other person’s “mother tongue”?

Can you remember someone telling you something difficult in a way that shut you down?

Can you remember a time when someone spoke your “mother tongue” as they told you something difficult?

How do you think you can start to learn someone else’s “mother tongue”?

Extra Points To Ponder

THE ILLUMINATION PROJECT'S WOOD CARVING ARTIST
Interview with artist Stefan Wolf

Access all artist videos
p: artist

Seeing the Miraculous

As you listen to the interview of Stefan Wolf share his story of growing up blind in one eye, can you think of someone you know who is doing great things in spite of what the world would dub as a “deficiency”?

How do you see the prayers of Stefan’s mother playing a role in his gifts?

Was it a miracle that she prayed he would have a gift that was amazing in spite of his blindness and he became an artist with an acute attention to detail?

What is the purpose of praying for the miraculous if it seems God is going to do what He’s going to do anyway? Do you truly believe there is power in our prayers?

As you look through the gospels and people asking Jesus to perform miracles, what themes do you see in His response?

People believed, and Jesus performed miracles, but we also see in Luke 22:42 that Jesus prayed for the Father to remove the responsibility of going to the cross while knowing He was to fulfill God’s plan to show love to the world.

So, what is an argument for prayer even if we don’t fully understand its power?

Extra Points To Ponder #2

THE LETTER
Art piece and monologue by Kari Dunham

Shedding Light on Our Identity and Desires

Many questions are posed in Kari’s piece on her artistic influence, Johannes Vermeer, as well as her identity as an artist and a single woman. Whether you’re single or married, male or female, there are rich nuggets of thoughts in her words and work.

As you hear her questions and listen to her desires, what questions are raised? Is there any light shed on your own experience?

Extra Points To Ponder #3

KNOW YOUR SELF-WORTH
Poster and explanation by Josh Chang

New Shiny Objects

Josh Chang ties his marketing background into his dating experience and finding his wife.

How does his rallying cry of “Know Your Self-Worth” change the “shiny objects” view of dating or your marriage?

How did Josh get a more realistic view of what marriage was supposed to be? What has influenced your view?

Right-Brain Recreation

Step right up, folks; it’s drawin’ time!

But first, a story that is twenty percent pertinent and eighty percent irrelevant.

If you couldn’t tell, my last name is German. EGGERICHS.

EGG = Northern area of Germany where eggs were first invented.
RICH = Frankfurt, where the rich Germans live and eat what we Americans call hot dogs.
The “S” is silent, and if I told you why, I would have to kill you.

In high school, I decided to embrace my German ancestry by studying the language for two years. I am proud to announce that I can count to ten in that beautifully harsh language, and every time I’ve traveled to the motherland, my fellow Germans have been VERY impressed with my counting skills.

One time I was with my American friend Natalie and Canadian friend Jenny. Jenny’s German friend Adidas was hosting us. (Yes, you read his name correctly.) I was really hoping he had a cousin named Puma or Saucony, but no dice.

Anyway, Adidas and his brother wanted to show us German nightlife. These guys didn’t go OUT until after my bedtime. It was insane. I felt like a 65-year-old woman needing her chamomile tea and sleeping mask. But, as they say, when in Munich, do as the Münchners do.

I think they say that . . .

I had been teaching Jenny and Natalie how to say “1, 2, 3” in my native language of Deutsch, and they were getting quite good. We were saying “eins, zwei, drei” as much as possible, in as many situations as possible.

We were eventually led by ze German boys to the front of a line at a packed-out pizza place/discotheque in a building Hitler built (yes, you also read that correctly). The guys were trying to persuade the bouncer to let us cut the long line. I’m pretty sure they were saying, “C’mon, we have dumb American girls with us!” So, in a very nonchalant way, the bouncer decided to count how many of ze dum American girlz there were.

With an annoyed look, he sighed and said a German-sounding “finnnne” and then looked at us to count. He said (and I quote),

“Eins, zwei, drei.”

You would have thought the three of us had just won a million dollars!

“EINS! ZWEI! DREI!!!” we yelled directly back to him like we had just won the lotto. We were so pumped to finally hear something we understood!

The bouncer looked at us like we were lunatics, and then of course we realized that we were. So much for not living into ze dum-blond American-girl stereotypes.

So, what’s the point of this story? Not much except that it was fun for me to share with you. But also because I want you to draw something.

Matthew 19: “Have you not read He who made them from the beginning made them male and female?”

Many languages, like my mother tongue of German, have objects that will be deemed as masculine, feminine, or neutral simply by how the word “the” appears in front of them. If you get the masculine or feminine wrong in front of a word, it changes the meaning altogether.

For example:

ENGLISH GERMAN
the bike das fahhrad
the stove der ofen
the lamp die lampe

DAS = neutral DER = masculine DIE = female

Without overthinking it, pick two objects in the room that you like. Draw two boxes. Draw one object in a box that you label feminine and one in a box that says masculine.

MASCULINE FEMININE

Wasn’t that fun?

Now flip back to your drawings, and list the functions, features, and unique attributes of each. Then come back to this page.

Wow, back so fast!

Now, here are two items that are both tangible and real. They are unique in their function and purpose, as you have noted in your list.

Think about the uniqueness and differences of each object and how their functions benefit your daily life. Now, what if I said (assuming your name is Bill), “Bill, those two objects are exactly the same. There are no differences, and if there are differences, there is something seriously wrong with one of the objects.” How would you react? Would you want to go back and show me how I was wrong and share your noted differences? Would you think I was a little crazy? If I forced you to tell me only how they were the same or should be, would I be forcing you to make them less than what they were created for?

Auf Wiedersehen für jetzt meine kleine munchkins! Lassen Sie sich nicht den Rasen Zwerge erschrecken Sie in Ihrem Schlaf.

SCRIPTURE SAYS

MATTHEW 19:4 Have you not read? So what do you think?

1 PETER 3:7 The first part of this verse is nice, but what does “weaker” mean here? Affffter you ponder this, take a gander at my own thoughts on this passage, which I wrote after a man attempted to attack me. Fun times!

Search “attempted attack” on loveandrespectnow.com

HOSEA 3 Unconditional love always reads romantically, but I doubt it is easy!

1 CORINTHIANS 16:13-14 These verses were mentioned in the post video pontification. What did you take away from that discussion?

EPHESIANS 5:33 The token Love & Respect verse. Doesn’t hurt to read it or the whole chapter again!

1 PETER 3:1-2 Have you ever seen the power of being quiet in the face of someone who expects you to yell at him or her?

PSALM 4:4 The power of being quiet again!