What Does Respect Sound Like? 

Are you still struggling with what respect looks like and sounds like? Although we’ve had some great examples from Joy and Sarah, we know that this is a tough concept for women to truly grasp from our pink perspective. 

A few years ago we received an email from a woman whose Sunday School class was going through the book, Love & Respect. Because the women were still struggling with understanding “what is respect?” they asked their husbands to help them. Remember when we said it is easier for women to understand respect by thinking of what disrespect looks like? Well, evidently the same is true for the men! They compiled a list of “I feel disrespected when…” Their good hearted, godly wives were blown away by the length of the list! We share this list with you, not to be negative…but to show you what disrespect is. By doing so, we hope you will better understand the question: “What does respect look like and sound like?” 

Here is the list, compiled by a group of Christian men. Read it carefully, and ask yourself, “Do I do that?” Put a check mark next to the ones you do. 

I feel disrespected when… 

• My wife doesn’t keep her word. 
• My wife collaborates with others against me. 
• My wife puts the kids, work, in-laws, & friends before me. 
• My wife takes phone calls when I am trying to talk to her. 
• My wife puts Bible study & church activities before me. 
• My wife questions me about taking care of things on “her” timing. 
• My wife criticizes the way I do things. 
• My wife goes behind my back to others. 
• My wife goes to her parents rather than me. 
• My wife shares personal things about me with others. 
• My wife disagrees with decisions in front of the children, rather than discussing them with me in private. 
• My wife responds in a negative manner when I ask her to repeat something I couldn’t hear. 
• My wife doesn’t follow through on decisions I have made relative to raising the children. 
• My wife nags. 
• My wife disagrees with my actions/words in public. 
• My wife scolds me in public. 
• My wife won’t set up and live on a budget. 
• My wife does not value my input in family affairs. 
• My wife points out my weaknesses during conflicts. 
• My wife doesn’t respect my hobbies, and what they mean to me. 
• My wife has made negative comments about the amount of money I am able to provide for our family. 
• My wife interrupts me while I am working on a project. 
• My wife and family seem to have plenty of time to play and spend, while I work to provide. 
• My wife wastes money. 
• My wife doesn’t appreciate the things done for her. 
• My wife criticizes my driving. 
• My wife laughs at my weaknesses in public. 

Just the appearance of disrespect can deflate your husband’s spirit towards you. We are not saying you are disrespectful intentionally. But unless you are super-human, we are quite sure you are guilty of at least a few attitudes and behaviors on the list above. The question is, what will you do about it? Will you humble yourself before God – and your husband – and own your part? 

We’ve learned that we get on the crazy cycle because without love we react without respect and without respect, our husband reacts without love. We may argue that we didn’t start the cycle, but we now know how to stop it! 

This is a faith and obedience venture. Unconditional respect works, because it is a command from God Himself. As Sarah shared on the video, God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Have you thought about why God would command you to do something that doesn’t work? Because He is God, and He created you, can you trust Him to know what works and what doesn’t? 

In Session 3 we focused on who God is and Joy reminded us again in this video session that we all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that GOD IS GOOD. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands. If you ignore this command to respect your husband, disrespect will remain a part of your marriage. Our question for you is, “How’s that working for you?” 

Are you ready to try a new, radical approach? Will you step out in faith in a bigger way this week? We know some of you may still be hesitant to put respect to the test. But that’s exactly what we’re going to ask you to do, by encouraging you to do the Respect Test this week. 

The Respect Test

So what is the Respect Test? It’s simply this: Spend some time thinking about what you respect about your husband. No matter what is going on in your marriage, you can think of something! Think of up to 3 things. 

When your husband seems relaxed and has nothing particular going on, say the following to him: “I was thinking of you today. I was thinking of the things I respect about you. I want you to know that I respect you.” That’s it. Then exit the room or get busy doing something else. Don’t stare at him; don’t wait for his response. Just mention something you need to do, and quietly leave the room. Then see what happens. 

Now, be ready if he asks, “What things?” You may be quite surprised at his response and you need to be prepared with an honest answer. Don’t make up stuff and don’t say things that you don’t respect. Your husband will see right through that! But all of us, if we sincerely try, can come up with things we respect about another human being, made in the image of God. 

In the video, Joy shared her version of doing the Respect Test in the form of a card. If you are more comfortable with writing the Respect Test rather than saying it, you can write it in a simple card or note and leave it where your husband will see it. For some couples this works better because it gives the spouse time to think about the words without feeling put on the spot to respond. But keep it short and simple, and use the word respect, not love. Don’t be “gushy!” 

Don’t be surprised if you get no response at all. Or worse, you may get a negative reaction. That’s O.K. – remember, do this without expectations. Trust that God will speak to your husband, no matter how – or if – he responds. 

Remember Lisa, who shared her testimony in Session 5? She was determined to do the Respect Test even though she did not “feel” respectful towards her husband. But when she thought about it, she realized there were things she did respect about him so she took a giant step of faith and shared them with her husband. However, his reaction was not what she had hoped. He doubted her authenticity and responded sarcastically. Although this was difficult, and she had to fight against her “negative script,” Lisa minimized the sarcastic comment and focused on the fact that she was obeying God. She decided to believe He saw her sacrifice and would honor her obedience. If you have a similar response from your husband, trust that God is working behind the scenes. Do not assume that the Respect Test failed. Stay the course! 

What If I Don't Feel It?

We know there are women reading this who honestly feel there is nothing about their husband they respect. You are feeling as though you would be a hypocrite or would be lying if you did the Respect Test. But no matter how bad a marriage is, and no matter how much a wife thinks there isn’t anything she respects about her husband, there is plenty she respects, if she will only think about it honestly. 

First of all, every husband is created in the image of God, so there needs to be a residual effect in him somewhere. Why does Jesus command us to love our enemies? Because they are made in God’s image and because He loves them. Can you see your husband in that light? God’s Word commands us to see each other in that light, and Peter and Paul specifically command it with regard to husbands. 

If you are having difficulty with this, spend time alone with God and genuinely ask Him to reveal to you things to respect in your husband. He will respond if you open your heart and listen! 

Still, when some wives try to focus on this, they make a list of things they secretly want him to change. That really is manipulative and it won’t do. Instead, look at some of the areas that are obviously important to your husband, not necessarily the things he does for you. Look at his desires, not his performance. The point of the Respect Test is to express your respect for his longings in these areas. Remember Jesus looked at the spirit of His disciples. Even though their flesh was weak, He saw their spirit as willing (Matthew 26:41). Look at your husband’s spirit, not his weak flesh. 

Is this manipulation? Of course it can be, and we all need to check our hearts before God. Is your goal in showing respect to change your husband’s behavior or is it a desire to honor God and do something to energize your husband? This is not manipulation if a wife is sincerely expressing respect for who her husband is out of reverence for God. Understand that this is a gift that will motivate your man. It is a command that God gives us to energize him. Sarah paraphrased Luke 6:31 which says to treat others the same way you want them to treat you. We will say it again and again: a good-willed husband serves when he feels his wife respecting him for who he is. That’s the way he is made, and sometimes wives are shocked to see it actualized in their own marriage. 

You should believe this not because we say it, but because Scripture reveals it. Yes, we know, “This is so foreign.” But we must always ask which we will trust – our feelings, or God’s revealed Word? Remember earlier when we asked if you have a crisis of faith rather than a crisis in your marriage? 

As Sarah and Joy discussed on the video, there are times when difficult issues must be addressed. With the proper attitude, tone, facial expression and words, you can respectfully confront a sin issue. In no way do we advocate turning a blind eye to sin! Let us be clear: We are not talking about respecting sin! We are talking about addressing and confronting sin and disobedience respectfully, without resorting to contempt and shaming. This is difficult to do when we are hurt and angry. We realize that! But as women of dignity, who believe God is good and doesn’t command us to do something He doesn’t equip us to do, we step out in faith and obedience, putting on respect even when we have to confront sin. 

The Appendices in the back of the Study Guide or end of this course may answer some of your questions about how to deal with the tough issues. If you need support, please seek out your Pastor or another godly, wise mentor. If you are fearful or in harm’s way, do not confront tough sin issues alone. 

Ponder This

You can have biblical power and influence as a strong, godly woman. You have the power within you, through Christ, to walk through even the most challenging, painful marital issues as a respectful woman. You will not be a doormat. You will be a welcome mat to the power of God in your life! 

Let’s Do This! 

*1. Try the Respect Test as explained above. Or, write a card or note that lists 1-3 things you respect about your husband. Sign it, “With All My Respect” or “Respectfully Yours.” Don’t use the word “Love.” 

What was your husband’s reaction to the Respect Test or Card? 

How did you feel about his reaction or lack of reaction? How did you feel about honoring God? 

*2. Read through the list of “I Feel Disrespected When…” at the beginning of this Session 7 content. Did you identify with any of the behaviors on the list? If you still aren’t sure if your behavior is seen as disrespectful to your husband, are you willing to ask him? Show him the list, or ask him to make his own list. But be prepared for his response and do not get defensive! You are asking for honest feedback, so listen with an open heart and mind. Apologize and own up to your part. (Don’t expect him to own up to his yet, although he might.) We know this can be hard to hear, so go to God in prayer with this information and allow Him to minister to you. 

Again, we do not want to focus on negative lists, but neither do we want you to miss the main point of this study: that your husband needs respect and God has commanded wives, in Ephesians 5:33, to respect their husbands. And we know that, just by asking your husband to help you understand what feels disrespectful to him, he will feel respected – even if he is afraid to show it yet. In time he will soften if you are consistent with your efforts. Journal here what happened when you did this assignment. 

3. Before discussing anything important with your husband this week, ask yourself this question: “Is that which I am about to say going to come across as disrespectful?” In other words, will your husband feel respected or disrespected by your words? How did asking yourself this question affect your conversations? 

4. How is your belief growing in the truth that God is a good God? Do you believe that His commands are to protect you and not burden you? What hurdles remain before you can embrace this truth? 

5. Write down your understanding of what the difference is between being hypocritical and obedient. Can you identify any lies that you still believe that prevent you from acting in obedience? Write them down, then practice the 3 R’s: Recognize (the lie), Replace (with Scripture), and Repeat. 

Let’s Reflect 

Write a prayer asking God for the strength and faith to make this a lifestyle, not a temporary activity. Pray this often! 

Praise Report 

What positive changes have you seen in your marriage or other areas in your life in the weeks since starting this study? Give God praise!