His Craving for Sex 

What Is The Issue?

As a husband, do you want that special day to be special so you get sex? On this Valentine’s Day, on your anniversary, your wife’s birthday, or Mother’s Day, will you be nice to your wife in order to get sex? 

Most every husband needs sex, as do women. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 clearly sets this forth. Both need sex. However, the anatomy of the male reveals a more overt need for sexual release, and this creates tension between many husbands and wives. He tends to push her for sex so he can experience pleasure and release. 

Because most men push to have sex more than most women push to have sex, many wives wonder, “Does he love me for me or only want me for sex? Is he only being nice to me to get sex? Did he buy that Valentine’s card just so he can approach me later to have sex?" 

A wife writes, "My husband and I have been to two conferences and listened to your book. He still doesn't 'get it’... He seems to still do the opposite of what you recommend. This morning he actually admitted to me that he was only nice to me to get sex, and since that didn't work, he stopped being nice to me. We have a chronically ill daughter, and I take care of her full time. I admit I have not been in the mood, as I am drained from all areas of my being. So, since I have not been in the mood, he has stopped being nice and loving to me." 

He confessed that he was just nice to get sex. Some husbands rationalize, “If she doesn’t respect my need for sex and doesn’t appreciate me being nice, I will not be nice or loving. I will teach her a lesson." 

Does this mean every husband who encounters his wife’s refusal to have sex has chosen to stop being nice and loving? 

A husband writes, " I read your book, and it has been of a great help to my marriage... I am currently having this issue with my wife; she normally avoids me with excuses when I want to have sex, and only wants to have sex when she is ready. It makes me feel uncaring and gives me the impression that I'm exploiting her sexually. I feel very bad after every rejection... Now I have decided not to approach her again for sex… I don't want to be unfaithful. It's a difficult situation. What do I do next?" 

Many husbands feel stalemated. A husband tells me, "My wife is convinced I'm incapable of emotional intimacy. She thinks I ask for sex because I just want a physical release. For some reason, when I try to explain that God has a biblical mandate for apparently many reasons, and I start quoting scripture to support my position....well, that doesn't go very well either." 

What Can A Husband Do? 

In faith, a husband must not compromise what God calls him to do and be toward his wife. Whoever she fails to be must not cause him to refuse to be who God calls him to be. Every husband must focus on what God says to husbands in His Word. 

I created an acronym to represent this: C.O.U.P.L.E. God calls the husband to be...

• close to his wife
• open with her
• understanding of her
• at peace with her
• loyal to her
• esteeming of her. 

If when a husband does not get sex, he seeks to punish his wife by withholding C.O.U.P.L.E. he not only hurts the heart of God but predictably closes off the heart of his wife to sexual intimacy. 

Most wives will respond to a loving husband’s need for sexual intimacy, given he seeks to serve her emotional needs month after month. When a husband refuses to be loving to motivate his wife to respect his need for sex, he ends up acting in a way that proves ineffective. He cannot cease being a quality guy and expect his wife to yield to him sexually. 

The irony is that he must focus on her emotional concerns first as the leader. And, why not, sex usually takes place for fifteen to thirty minutes, so he has twenty-three more hours to be a loving and honorable human being; and few wives can resist that long-term. In most instances, wives respond to a husband’s sexual needs. Women know of this need and certainly do not want their husbands tempted. They know that sexual release minimizes temptation for godly men. 

But, as Sarah, my wife, says, “Sex begins at breakfast for a woman.” In other words, relationship determines response. Violating her need for loving acceptance makes it difficult for her to respond sexually. Her sexual turn on comes via a husband’s care and concern for her welfare. She gets sexually aroused when it isn’t about sex but about her. For example, when a husband listens to her heart concerns each evening, as she talks of her vulnerabilities, she “gets” that he too has vulnerabilities in the sexual realm and has a need that only she can meet. 

I am not saying that men who feel deprived of sex are unloving men. Paul instructs wives (and husbands) not to deprive the other of sex. Some men suffer this deprivation from wives. These wives have chosen to disobey God. One Christian woman told a group of women, “I told my husband, ‘I don’t have the time, or energy, or interest for sex.” She chose to disobey 1 Corinthians 7:5 and now subjects her husband to satanic temptation according to this Scripture. 

But how pervasive is this type of woman? I dare say the problem is less with women choosing to deprive their husbands of sex and more with husbands overlooking the necessity of: listening to her heart, humbly sharing his heart, understanding her vulnerabilities, apologizing for his insensitivities, faithful commitment, and honoring and respecting her. When a husband practices these things, it is a rare woman who lacks the desire to kiss, hug, caress, and “know” each other. 

However, some husbands think that if they are simply nice for an afternoon, they ought to be rewarded with sex. How can a husband push for more and more sex when he sends the message throughout the week to his wife that he really doesn’t care about her and her hurts? 

Listen to the pain of this wife, "My husband and I have been married believers for 37 yrs. We recently separated due to him bullying me for sex, even though we would have sex two to three times per week. He would threaten to commit suicide... I have never withheld sex from him before, but over the past year, he has shown no reservations about sex with me, even when I am visibly angry or upset with him. He does not appear to care about that. He has never hurt me physically, just emotionally, and he brings lots of verbal pressure to bear on me if I refuse. He is incredibly persistent." 

This Valentine’s Day which camp do you fall into as a husband? Are you pushing to couple with your wife sexually or pushing yourself to C.O.U.P.L.E. with her emotionally?