Below is a brief summary of the content in the video. Please take a moment to review it before moving on to the questions. If you are going through this with your spouse or in a group, consider reading it aloud together.

Not Wrong, Just Different

In Matthew 19:4, Jesus said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female?” The differences between male and female go well beyond genetics and biology, though that is not always what we hear the world preaching to us today. In creating us as male and female, God designed us with many differences, not the least of which is our individual felt needs for love and respect. And as we explore these differences with our spouse and work through specific conflicts, it’s important to remember one key phrase: “Not wrong, just different.”

Many marital conflicts begin as innocent as the husband who believes he is doing the loving and thoughtful thing when buying a diet book for his wife who recently opened up to him about her frustrations with herself for gaining a few pounds. He was merely trying to show her that he listened to her and that he cares about what she cares about, and she interpreted his “gift” as a declaration that he will only love her if she looks like a cheerleader. Neither is wrong, just different.

So when an honorable man tries to do the loving thing, only to be told by his wife that she has never felt so unloved, how he responds to her reaction that he found disrespectful will determine whether they are about to take a spin on the Crazy Cycle. With his next decision and his next words, he has the power to decide whether he will get that cycle spinning even harder with his defensive and unloving reaction or if he will soften her spirit and apologize for his unintentional message that he would have never dreamed of sending to the most important person in his life.

Can You Relate?

More than a few wives can probably relate to Jackie, who admitted to having certain expectations of what her life with Michael, her husband, would be like upon getting married. And when his work schedule regularly kept him out later than she had expected, she felt unloved, as though he didn’t want to be home with his family.

And no husband looks forward to finally coming home from a long day of work if he knows he is about to be barraged with questions and accusations from his wife, as Michael found the case to be most days. The on-ramp to the Crazy Cycle in instances like these is four lanes wide, with no traffic and a giant billboard that reads “This way now for your next heated argument!” It would be very easy for her to scream at him that he doesn’t love her as much as he loves his job, and it would be equally tempting for him to accuse her of not respecting him as the financial provider for the family.

But as Jackie and Michael admitted to having to learn, we have to take the path less traveled. We must remember that our spouse is a good person, that he or she is for you, not against you. The loving, respectful, good-hearted person you married is still sitting across the dinner table from you. But we must enter into conflict assured of that if we are to avoid spinning on the Crazy Cycle.

“I’ll Show Her!”

Without a doubt, not all conflicts between a husband and wife begin as unintentional. After all, we are all human and sometimes we simply get angry with someone and we’re ready and willing to make sure they know it!

Finances and budgets definitely provide easy opportunities for a husband to “show his wife” how it negatively affects their life when she spends what he feels is way too much at the grocery store one month. But the ensuing conflict that arises when he purposefully erupts toward her in an unloving manner is a perfect example of what we discussed in Session 1, when the issue is no longer the issue.

He feels the issue is that she spent well over their budget, so he intends to teach her a lesson and force her to become more respectful about their finances. But his unloving reaction has changed the issue from being about finances to now being about him using unholy means to achieve a worthy end. And no matter how worthy the goal of keeping within budget may be, his wife will only be focused on his unloving reaction toward her.

As Emerson said, isn’t it odd that he would actually deprive his wife of her deepest need in order to motivate her to meet his deepest need?

Take Home Point

‍During conflict an honorable man must guard against his natural tendency to react in ways that appear unloving to his wife, otherwise it triggers the Crazy Cycle.