Below is a brief summary of the content in the video. Please take a moment to review it before moving on to the questions. If you are going through this with your spouse or in a group, consider reading it aloud together.

Neither Is He Wrong, Only Different

Just as women have a vulnerability that men don’t have, so do men. When a man sees his wife’s eyes darkening, her face turning sour, her hand on the hip, the rolling of her eyes, and her scolding finger, followed up with choice words of contempt from his bride, the message he’s hearing from her is that she doesn’t like him as a human being. She doesn’t respect him.

A woman can say all day long that is not the message he ought to hear, that the issue is about leaving his dirty laundry on the floor or his splattering water on the bathroom mirror she just spent ten minutes cleaning. But he has a vulnerability here in situations like these. In this heated moment of estrogen from his wife, he hears that he’s inadequate, that he’s not good enough for her, that she does not respect who he is as a human being. Although that was the last message she intended to send to her dear husband, she needs to remember: he, too, is not wrong; just different.

So in moments like these when the tempting, natural response is to rip into him so as to make sure your point is taken, a wife needs to use what is referred to as “Respect Talk.” Tell him, “I’m not trying to send you a message of disrespect. I’m not trying to dishonor you. How do I say this in such a way that you don’t feel I’m trying to shame you or talk down to you? I truly do have a need for your strength, a need to connect with you.”

Can You Relate?

In our testimonial, Jones admitted to working sixty to sixty-five hours a week, unfortunately not uncommon today in our high-intensity, always competitive work environment. And when a husband is gone for ten to twelve hours a day, family dinners are lonely, Little League games are missed, and his wife feels unimportant, as was the case with Susan.

But his wife’s little “innocent” jabs didn’t help things with Jones. Jokes about the work wife he must have since he’s always at work fell flat with him, even upset him, as he felt she didn’t respect all the sacrifices he made for the family. Comments about him needing to ask his mom about things pierced Jones’s heart, echoing to him the message that he wasn’t man enough. For Susan, the issue was about his extensive work hours and his mom protruding in too much. But for Jones, all he heard was that he was inadequate, that she didn’t like him, that his wife did not respect who he was as a human being.

According to Susan and Jones, the turning point for them came when they realized together that, as Susan said, “We needed to change the story.” But the story that needed changing was not Jones’s work situation, or his mother living with them. The story that changed was her tone with him, that she was intentional about sending him the message that she values him, not resents him. And in response, he apologized for his extended work hours, not becoming defensive over it.

When He Doesn’t Hear the Cry of Your Heart

Many women will admit that they don’t know what showing respect to their husbands should look like. But they all know what disrespect is, and oftentimes it makes sense to her to roll those eyes, get her finger pointing in all sorts of directions, and find the perfect words of disrespect so as to get him to hear the true cry of her heart.

But whether you’re trying to motivate him to finally start putting the toilet seat down or if you’re responding to his invitation to be sexually intimate even after your fifteen-hour day of cooking, cleaning, transporting three kids all over the city, and assisting with homework, showing disrespect is not the key to motivating or communicating with your husband.

A husband’s deepest need is to be respected, especially from his wife, the woman he values and cherishes more than anyone in his life. He knows that she loves him; that is not in question. But the words of contempt, the glaring eyes, the hands on hips...they will never motivate him to be more sensitive to his wife’s feelings or needs. He will only hear the message “I don’t respect who you are for making that request or for working as late as you sometimes do.”

The cry of a woman’s heart is to feel loved. The cry of her husband’s heart is to be respected. Using unholy means to make sure those cries are heard will not satisfy either’s desire.

Take Home Point

‍During conflict a loving woman must guard against her natural tendency to appear disrespectful to her husband, otherwise it triggers the Crazy Cycle.