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Session Reading
Scripture Says It:
1 Peter 3:2: “. . . they may be won without a word . . . as they observe your . . . respectful behavior.”
Matthew 26:41: “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Matthew 19:4: “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female?”
They Said It:
A wife and mother who attended the Love and Respect Conference: “I came from a family of all girls, and your information on respect toward my husband was all new to me. It really got me thinking about how that could also translate to raising my boys, ages nine and eleven.”
An adult son with two adult brothers: “More often than not, we thirty-year-old sons are on the Crazy Cycle with mom. We know she loves us because she genuinely does so much for us. . . I think what it boils down to is we are still the priority in her life, as we were when we were children. That leads to disappointment for her when we don’t meet her expectations of what she expects the mother-adult son relationship to be (thus, she feels unloved), and then she loses her temper or gets jealous when we don’t give her a fair share of our time (thus, we feel disrespected).”
A mother of two college-aged sons: “They know I love them, but I’m sure they never felt respected. I’m convinced my words (and actions) made them feel controlled and belittled, which created a wall between us. I’m learning how to honor my sons with respect (and space) and in return I’m receiving the love I crave.”
Bring It Home:
The male is often vulnerable to the message “You are inadequate and not respected.”
During conflict and stress men tend to filter things through the respect grid.
Research shows that God has hardwired boys with a need to feel respected.
Men and women are created with different chemicals that impact, for instance, face-to-face talking and looking.
When a male hits 99 heartbeats per minute, he hits warrior mode and will withdraw and stonewall to avoid conflict.
The Crazy Cycle robs mom of a meaningful connection with her son.
- The Crazy Cycle says: Without love, she reacts without respect; and without respect, he reacts without love.
- Instead try Respect-Talk: “I am reacting this way because I am upset, not because I am trying to send the message that I don’t respect you. I am mad at you because I expect more from you as an honorable man. Let’s take a five-minute break and revisit the issue.”
The Energizing Cycle energizes her son and connects him with her.
- The Energizing Cycle says: His love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.
Up For Discussion
- Can you see why mothers applied the respect message in Ephesians 5:33 to their sons? Since respect worked on the masculine souls of their husbands, then respect would work on the masculine souls of their sons. The man is in the boy. Do you agree or disagree? Explain.
- Do you agree that the male is often vulnerable to the message “You are inadequate and not respected”? Why or why not?
- Do you agree that during conflict and stress most men (and boys) tend to filter things through the respect grid? Why or why not?
- Do you have a new appreciation for what Jesus said? “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female?” (Matthew 19:4). Why? Do you understand that your son has a spiritual bent that is different than yours that alters how he views life and spiritual matters differently than you do?
- Did you know that the male and female different chemical makeups impact, for instance, how boys and girls prefer—or do not prefer—face-to-face talking? Does that ring true with your son? Does your son prefer to make less eye contact and instead prefer shoulder-to-shoulder interaction? How have you responded to these preferences of his?
Just For Mom
- Were you aware that 99 heartbeats per minute will drive a male to withdraw and stonewall so as to calm himself down? Do you think that’s just an excuse for him to leave a volatile situation? Why or why not? Have you seen this from your son? In these moments, have you followed him or respected his desire to withdraw? How did that turn out?
- Have you noticed you and your son being on the Crazy Cycle? (Without love a mom reacts without respect. Without respect a son reacts without love.) How has the Crazy Cycle robbed you of meaningful conversations with your son? What could you do to help remedy that?
- Does the Energizing Cycle make sense to you? (A son’s love motivates his mother’s respect, and a mother’s respect motivates her son’s love.) Should a mom expect her son to move first, or should she move first as the more mature person? Do you need to move first on something now, in order to hopefully start the Energizing Cycle between you and your son? If so, how will you do that?
- Emerson said that men do not fear transparency, but instead fear shame, disapproval, disrespect, and contempt. In what ways have you seen your son fearing these? What else would you say that he fears most?
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